i'm blessed

I'm not a wonderful person.

In fact i think it takes so much more energy for me to be nice as being self-centered, mean and nasty sort of comes as first instinct for me.

Giving people the benefit of the doubt hardly happens. For me to do that, I have to keep telling myself "paradigm shift", or silently pray for such negative assumptions to go away.

Having a positive mindset just isn't in my blood. I'm very pessimistic and i also expect the worst, not the best, to happen. I remember everytime it was time to choose a school, i would always include a not-so-gd sch in the list... u'noe.. just in case i screw up.

When things don't go my way, i get frustrated at the people i accuse for causing that situation to happen. I throw tantrums, raise my voice, generally become someone very unpleasant.

I judge people from first impressions, fit them into a mould and well..they are always in my opinion "guilty until proven innocent".

Yet, despite my flaws ( which will take some time to be corrected, so bear with me as i undergo refinement =) ), I realised how blessed I am to have people who still love me.

People, who even having bore the brunt of my unreasonable attitude, my nastiness and meanness, have displayed a gracious and patient love towards me no matter what.

Of coz, my family is one of them... my parents have great forbearance for my show of attitude, even the times I stepped over the line n made my dad/mum upset in anger and in tears. My sister, well, for what it's worth, she has shown me graciousness more as we grow older. =)

My mentor is the other person who has displayed much patience with me. Even from the time I was an impetuous youth. I remember the times i would sulk when he's late for an appt, and get real pissed when he didn't support some of the choices i made, but everytime, he would just sit quietly with me til I realise my mistake. He believed in me, even when my friends couldn't accept me for who I was.

The Mok couple is the other. Even before WL came into the scene, Marc and I have always sort of worked together. There would always be some sort of friction because of our differences, and yet, he always treated me with calmness and respect (even tho sometimes i think he just want to throw something at me. hee) WL, well. I don't know anyone who has shown such unconditional love as she does. Sometimes, I wonder if she's just too simplistic and nice to know i'm being mean in the first place, that's why she got no reaction..hehe.. but well...I believe she just chooses to show me Christ-like love everytime.

And I have my colleague Kim. I think out of all my other colleagues, I really don't treat her too well. There have been many times I've given her attitude, or get upset with her because of some of the things she's done, and yet.... she always show me such kindness. Kindness, which I believe, I totally don't deserve.

All these people (and more) have blessed me so much. They have given me a glimsp of what God's love is like.

I believe that friends accept u for who u are, flaws and all. They accept u even though u are imperfect because they know u are in "work in progress". They believe in the goodness in u. They see the goodness in you, even when you can't. Even when u're in your worst state. Because they know what sort of person I am inherently. And they choose to show love. Because love keeps no records of wrongs. Because loving someone is to bring out the best in the other person. Not by condeming, not by judging, but by accepting.

Lord, help me be such a friend to others.