I'm really quite tired.

As I think about the past, consider the present and worry about the future.

Maybe its the year end thing where the weight of the whole entire year seems to weigh exceptionally heavier.

Maybe its the increasing distance I have created between me and God.

Maybe its all the talk about church issues that i realised I'm missing out on, and remembering the passion and fire I once had in planning, reading up on and discussing church/fellowship matters.

I feel like the little matchgirl standing outside the window watching the fire burning in the fireplace, and the celebration happening in the house. the thing is, I know the people inside will be glad to welcome me to join them, but i'm just not inclined to. not inclined to make that step.

I do appreciate christian friends inviting me to their church, or asking me "so have you settled in a church yet?" because I know they ask because they care and are concerned about my spiritual life. But it gets so frustrating at times, having to explain where I'm worshipping at, why I'm not settled yet, etc etc etc. I'm made to feel like not settling in a church is wrong. I mean, yes, I know that God ordains corporate worship and fellowship, but I do believe that I need time in making such an important decision in my life, and as long as I have yet to hear God speaking with regards to this issue, i'd rather not decide as yet.

I'm just really so sick of the question. Its almost as if finding a home church is symbolic of my spiritual state. Why don't you ask me how my spiritual life is? Why not encourage me to seek God, rather than seek a church? To pray for intimacy with Christ more than for God to bring me to a church? I mean, seriously, Christianity is not about the church and me, its about God and me.

Forgive me for sounding so grouchy. I'm just feeling all angsty.

I'm ok. I'm not up nor down. I just am. "I just am" is a phrase my friend used to use, and I realise how those simple three words are can express so much more.