Christmas Blues

yday I lost control while playing a game with my colleagues. I got agitated to the point of yelling and almost cried. I nearly broke down, but I held back my tears. Thank God I did, else everyone is gonna think I'm crazy to cry over a game. Silly me. Silly silly me. I chided myself for losing control the way I did yesterday.

I think its a cumulation of emotions.

Last night writing of Christmas cards was an emotional one for me. I cried as I reflected and wrote in each card, especially one in particular. People I want to spend time with this season are too "occupied" and busy to even meet up. And it hurts. I tell myself, its ok. They are busy with God's business but who am i fooling, I'm disappointed.

Christmas is not the same this year.

singing of carols, buying of gifts, writing of cards, exchanging gifts on Christmas eve, christmas eve service, the preparation involved in Christmas outreach activities in church, spending time with family and friends, christmas parties and dinners

Its all distinctively different this year. Besides not being surrounded by a fellowship of friends, but a sea of unfamiliar faces in a church I cannot call my own, besides not having my aunt/grandma/sister/bro-in-law around for family dinner, I'd be leaving for Yunnan at 0210 on Christmas morning. Spending Christmas day and New Year with an unfamiliar colleague in a strange land. Perhaps it'd be a good opportunity for reflection.

I know, Christmas is so much more than just being jolly and making merry, and yet, there's something distinctively missing.

Christmas is a time of joy, and yet that joy seems illusive.

Perhaps its in the reflection of the year that's bringing about these depressing thoughts. Yes, I know I ought to be thankful in all circumstances. I'm trying to be. But one can be thankful and yet still feel sad. No? Perhaps the trick is to think of others, not of myself.

at least I'm honest. I'm not merry at all.

And all I wanna do is curl up in bed and cry.

Wake me up when all is over.