Resilience

All my life I've always chosen the easy way out. The easier way out. When things get tough, i bail out. When challenges come, i raise the white flag. That was how i am. The way I was built to cope with difficulties. I gave up after my first ballet exam. I gave up after Grade 4 piano lesson because I didn't like the teacher. I gave up econs in JC because it was greek to me. When I studied part time at seminary, I didn't get my credits because the assignments were too hard to complete. When I studied in uni, it was the year they offered direct honors, but I opted out because i was afraid of writing thesis. I dropped out of my Malay course because i couldn't catch up with the Caucasian sitting next to me. That's me. I'm not a runner. Not a maranthon runner anyway. I can't go the distance. I always choose the easy way out. Yes, even in relationships.

That was why when crisis come, thoughts of suicide always follow. I'm not made of tough material. I'm a faucet of tears, a barrowful of emotions.

But in recent times, I feel the moulding of God.

Just lately, my sister recommended a book to me entitled "A Resilient Life" by Gordon MacDonald. Unbeknown to her, I've already read it in 2005. In fact, it inspiried me so much that I summarized the book in my journal. Yday, I took that out.

Some points to highlight in light of my situation:
A. Resilient people are committed to finishing strong
- resilience for us has to do with lasting and thriving in the spiritual way.
- resilience is the toughened condition of both the body and the mind

B. Resilient people train to go the distance.
- they know exactly what has to be accomplished
- discipline= intentional suffering. It's the act of insisting that the body, the mind and the spirit engage in challenges that build up capacity and stamina.
- discipline strengthens the will. To be able to summon courage when life gets tough.

When i decided to learn sign language, though it was partly due to interest, it was partly due to the fact that I wanted to bring myself to a test, to see if i can bring something to completion. And now I'm up to the last stage.

What I went through in 2005 strengthened my faith in the Lord in an immeasurable way.

Though I faced much difficulty at the initial stages of my current job, I resolved never to leave it until the contract is up.

Recently, I feel God calling me to a greater level of endurance. To develop resilience. To go the hard way and learn it the hard way. yet... the right way.

And yet, on this road, so many times I've wanted to get out. I see the short cut and I really just want to take it. Yet everytime,God gently reminds me of His calling for me, at this point in time, in this circumstance. And so each time, I dry my tears, straighten my back, and look towards the goal ... and move on.

I learnt what it means to fully rely on the strength and power and grace of the Lord Almighty. Everytime I cry, Everytime i stop crying, I feel an itsy bitsy teeny weeny bit stronger. Just enough to take another step forward. Just like Carl Brashear in "Men of Honor". I love the movie. The scene where Carl stood before the judge and jury to prove that he can still be a master diver, that he, despite his broken leg, can walk in the heavy diver suit. Every step he took was in agony, in pain. Yet he gritted his teeth, the determination in his eyes, the strength of his heart allowed him to make it one step at a time. One step at a time until he reached his destination.

I have faith in God.
I just need to learn to depend on His power and strength.
I need Him to lift me up, just as the currents of the winds lift up the eagle to soar.
I will be still and know You are God.

1 Peter 5: 10 "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."

Psalm 118:13-14 "I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my song, he has become my salvation."

Let me end off this post with something my sister wrote in a card she sent me recently:

God's light shines even brighter in darkened areas.

His strength, His sufficiency become ours in times of weakness.

So this prayer is for you, my sister

That He may enable you to weather adversities

With a heart full of resilience and tenacity

Being fully confident that you're His precious daughter.

His joy, His delight, His treasure

That each day may be joyful, fulfilling , complete

Knowing that He always holds your hands

And will meet your every need.