Thoughts

Haven’t been able to sleep well the last 2 nights. Woke up at 5.30am this morning and 3 am the day before. So I decided to wake up and go to work earlier. The sky was still grey as I walked out of the house just before 7am. The students were on their way to school, little groups gathered at the bus stops, chatting away, waiting for the bus to arrive.

As I walked towards the busstop, all I could think of was how much I missed my school days… donning a uniform and attending assembly and meeting friends in the morning at the canteen. Feeling a strong sense of nostalgia, a sense of discontentment crept in.

Perhaps the grass is indeed greener on the other side. When one is young, one wanna grow up quickly, to enjoy the freedom of adulthood. But when one actually becomes an adult, all one wants is to return to the innocence and carefree life of a child once more. It seems like the food on the other person's plate do look better.

But as i was walking, a verse came into my mind.

"But godliness with contentment is great gain" 1 Tim 6:6

Godliness with contentment, that is, Christian contentment is great gain. It is the wealth in the world. Truly godly people have learnt with Paul to be content in whatever state they are in. They are content with what God allots for them, well knowing that this is best for them. Contentment at whatever stage of life I am in is important for me to be able to enjoy the season that God has enabled me to go through.

My eyes was drawn towards the orange hue spread across the grey skies. What a beautiful sight of dawn breaking. Indeed, beauty surrounds us all the time. But even as I start the day with a sense of wonderment, I know that the hundrums of the day will threaten to steal this sparkle of joy through fatigue, worries and frustrations, threatening to tire me, drain me and irk me...

Isn't this so in our lives as well?

God created us wonderfully and opened our eyes to the grace of His salvation. We rejoice at this spiritual revelation but along the journey of our Christian life, we let the things of this world, the daily monotony, the cynicism, the worldly desires gnaw away this awe. Slowly, gradually, subtlely... without realising that tho the sun rises in all its glory every morning, we stopped marvelling at its wondrous beauty.

Let us always never to forget our first love.

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It is so easy to slip into self-pity.

As i trudged back to the office after my long day, I felt so tired physically and mentally. Whole day I have been commanded to do this and that. "Shirleen... do this", "Shirleen...do that", "Shirleen, have you done this?", "Shirleen can you do that?" ... Whatever initial willingness i had to be of service turned into a need to suppress the irritation that arose when the commands happen once too often.

I was the last one to leave the office. I was the first to arrive this morning too. As I shut the lights and trudged down the corridor, all i could think of was "i'm so damn tired, if only there was someone to send me home". "I'm so damn tired, I just wanna relax and watch a movie", "my back hurts", "i'm so hungry"..... thousand and one of these self-pitying thoughts filled my mind. I kept reminding myself that how one sees a situation depends on him/herself...that i need to be positive, to fill my mind with things that would push all these nagging complaints out. Afterall, hasn't I just been reminded that we need to learn contentment?

As music blasted from my mp3, as i sat at the busstop waiting for my transportation back home, i noticed the orange lights admist the grey skies once again. Just that this time, the orange lights emitted from the street lamps.

A gentle breeze lifted a part of the tiredness away.

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People have been asking me how i'm coping. And my reply to all of them is simply:

靠主的力量。By the strength/power of the Lord.