i'm trying hard not to be pissed.

i hate it that when instructions were not given properly to me, it becomes my fault.

"i told you blarblarblar ..."

no, you did not. I never even knew this thing existed. i don't even have the tiniest bit of knowing what on earth u're talking about. i've never even seen it before.

if you want to insist that you did tell me, fine, i'm sorry i've overlooked it then.

maybe i just hate it when i'm made to feel stupid, or incapable, or being unable to deliver my work flawlessly. maybe working under a boss who's such a perfectionist makes me feel that way... like whatever i do is just not good enough, is never good enough.

during my work review i scored a 3 on the segment on "drive and motivation". she said i have good ideas but i need to volunteer them more, rather than just speak up only when driven to a corner.

right ...

its only at my work place that i'm like that. "Go with the flow" is my adage here.

co-workers from church wld know that i'm never short of ideas of how to improve things, how to create new programmes, develop relationships, organise activities, etc. and i'm never afraid to share these ideas, even if they get shot down. (but my brothers and sisters are too loving to shoot down my ideas, plus if they do, they'd know they'd get it from me. hahahahhaaaa) maybe its coz being with my co-workers, its a safe environment where we know we are accepted and listened to, where opinions and views are taken into serious consideration, where insights are shared to garner others' comments. we're not afraid to share our weaknesses, and let other point them out to us. to reveal our emotions and struggles and know that you'd not be judged.

but at work, its a constant mask. the mask to be calm and stable. the mask to be efficient and hardworking. the mask to be civil and polite. the mask to be submissive and agreeable.

anyway, on to other things. (i just need to keep writing to keep from feeling pissed)

the other day i met one of my fav students J along the corridor. I wrote about J, my nursing student, a few entries back. He was smiling cheekily behind his classmate and stopped to have a chat with me.

"notice any difference?", he asked me. I raised my eyebrow at him.

With his left hand, he rubbed the biceps of his right arm.

"orhh.. someone's been working out eh. Looking good," i commented.

He flashed me a wide grin.

we talked a little bit more about his plans, and i encouraged him to go for overseas community service trips in the future. I've actually invited him to come with me to Yunnan, but he said he'd be busy with his exams. So, i urged him to go for others in the future.

a nice nursing boy with brains and brawn will be of no use unless he has a heart for others as well.