What is God doing in my life?

I've been asking myself this question for the longest time since the split, and even more so since my departure. I sought to find answers for the way I'd been feeling, the strange unexplainable sense of lost and angst, of emotional upheaval, of anger and disappointment, of desiring and shunning.

On 12 August 07 I went with Em to her church. After service, as per my normal custom ever since I've drifted from one church to another, I settled in a quiet eatery and started penning my thoughts. Solitude time after church service allows me to consolidate what I've heard during sermon, my feelings during worship and other things that came fleeting into my mind during the whole worship service. It also allows a quiet time for me to be more in tuned with what God is revealing to me, as I read and write.

The following is what i penned in my journal on 120807:

"The song "His eye is on the sparrow" struck me. I feel that God is trying to teach me something through all that is happening in my life. Pastor also used the same illustration of God's faithfulness to the Israelites in the wilderness with the provision of manna & the 2 pillars (wind & fire). That was what the other pastor was preaching also the week before when i was at Covenant EFC.

God has led me to the wilderness.

That's where i am right now.

In my wilderness.

Having nothing to find my security or value in.

Not in ministry.
Not in relationships or friendships.
Not in fellowship with others.
Not in practices and laws.
Not in the church or its leaders.
Not in biblical facts.
Not in the familiarity.
Not in the responsibilities
Not in the status.
Not in the youths.

Suddenly I'm stripped bare of all these.

And I'm not used to it. I have grasped for all these but they have all disappeared.

Suddenly I realise what is this feeling i've been having since i left TSBC. I thought it to be emptiness. But how can it be emptiness if I'm a child of God. But its the emptiness that comes from emptying all these in my life. Its all these that's bringing cognitive dissonance. An inability to adapt. A constant struggle.

It's a realisation that I'm nothing without all these, Yet failing to realise that I've everything because of Christ.

I've secured my faith on wrong things. I've found my worth & value upon the wrong things. They are good things. Holy things. Spiritualthings. But these things are but an icon of God. Secondary things. The primary thing ought to be God (and my relationship with Him)

We always sing "In Christ Alone, I place my trust..." but I realise what a lie i've been singing.

It's like. Imagine I'm an Israelite. I placed my trust in Moses, his staff, his God, in maybe perhaps Aaron even. Maybe I trust in the amazing signs of the Red Sea parting, of God's provisions in the desert. I place my trust in all these manifestations, representations of God, but not God Himself.

And now God is stripping all these away.

Leaving me nothing. But just me & Him.

I can't seem to handle it because it's a new concept to me. Its something I need time to learn and appreciate. The Israelites took 40 years wandering. I dunnoe how long I'm to be "bare" before I truly learn what it means to come to the Lord just as I am.

God is showing me that I need nothing. I should find my security and value in nothing. I should give my life to nothing. That is, nothing but Him alone.

Shit. I'm freaking scared to be alone."

That was then. I wrote of how I believe that God has brought me into this current place of wilderness and how frightened I am thus.

But today, even in the midst of my bitterness & resentments, my stubborness and hardness in attitude towards them & God, when I'm unable to utter and surrender in a situation of unfamiliarity, "eagle's wings" became His promise to me.

I prayed that God may lift me up so that I may soar on wings like eagles, that I may rise beyond my struggles and difficulties.

During the sermon at KYMC, the pastor quoted Isaiah 40:31

"But those who hope on the Lord shall renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (NIV)

He talked about Rest. A place of quiet trust. Of how a relationship with God is our place of intimacy.

I just need to depend on Him, even in my tiredness and weariness, I know I can let His wind current take me into flight. That's how an eagle soars. He doesn't flap his wings like other birds. Rather, he sits and wait for the right wind current to come. And when the time is right, he allows the air currents to lift him up higher and higher. He is borne aloft on the wings of the wind.

After service, my quiet time was spent reading Exodus. And most unexpectedly, i came across this passage from Exodus 19:3-5.

"And Moses went up to God, and the LORD called to him from the mountain, saying, "Thus you shall say to the house of Jacob, and tell the children of Israel: "You have seen what I did to the Egyptians, and how I bore you on eagles' wings and brought you to Myself. Now therefore, if you will indeed obey My voice and keep My covenant, then you shall be a special treasure to Me above all people; for all the earth is Mine." (NKJV)

This was what God said to the Israelites when He brought them to Mt Sinai. God delivered the Israelites and brought them to Him & declared that they will be a special treasure to Him. God protected them in their wilderness, granted them victory over their enemies, provided for their endless needs, He delivered them and ultimately, He brought them to Himself.

Resting in the Lord in my wilderness. Allowing Him to let me soar upon His strength. Letting Him bring me to Himself.