The Five Love Languages for Singles

By Gary Chapman

Am currently reading this book. "The Five Love Languages" is like one of those best-sellers sort of book, that almost every one, or every Christian would have heard of. Well, I've heard of it quite some time back but it was only recently that I decided to purchase it. I bought the one which i felt would be more customized to my status. =)

"Love can be expressed and received in all 5 languages. However, if you don't speak a person's primary love language, that person will not feel loved, even though you may be speaking the other four. Once you are speaking his or her primary love language fluently, then you can sprinkle in the other four, and they will be like icing on the cake."

The Five Love Languages

1. Words of Affirmation
How to do it:
a) Start where you are
b) Be active not passive
c) Choose a strategy for loving or expressing love
Speaking the dialects of affirming words:
a) Words of Appreciation
b) Words of Encouragement
c) Words of Praise
d) Kind words

2. Gifts
The meaning of a gift
- the right gift : A gift is a tangible object that says, "I was thinking about you. I wanted you to have this. I love you."
- Some gifts last only for a few hours, but the memory will linger for years. The important thing is not the gift, but the emotinal love that was communicated by the gift. The right gift is any token, big or small, which speaks that emotional love.
- a gift is given without strings attached, or it ceases to be a gift. (the greek word from which "gift" is derived is "charis", which means "grace", or an undeserved gift.)
- a gift is not a gift when it is given to smooth ruffled feathers, or to cover over past failures.
How to develop the language of gift giving
a) Learn the person's interests.
- People speak about what interests them. If we listen carefully, we will pick up numerous clues as to what would be appropriate gifts for an individual.
b) Be sensitive to the nature of some gifts
- You cannot force someone to accept an expression of love. You can only offer it. If it is not accepted, you must respect the other person's decision.

3. Acts of Service
True love often finds its expresison in acts of service. It is service freely given, not out of fear, but out of choice. It is a way of expressing a sense of responsibility for the well-being of others.

4. Quality Time
- The central aspect of quality time is togetherness. (not proximity) Togetherness has to do with focused attention. It is giving someone your undivided attention.
- Quality time does not mean we must spend our moments gazing into each other's eyes. It may mean doing something together that we both enjoy. The particular activity is secondary, only a means to creating the sense of togetherness.

Dialects of Quality Time: Quality Conversations
a) Hearing
- While words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, quality conversations focus fully as much on what we are hearing.
- If I am sharing my love for you by means of quality time and we are going to spend that time in conversation, it means I will focus on drawing you out, listening sympathetically to what you have to say. I will ask questions, not in a badgering manner but with a genuine desire to understand your thoughts, feelings and desires. If I invest 30mins in such a conversation with you, I have given you 30mins of my life.
b) Talking

Dialects of Quality Time: Quality Listening
- Quality Listening is sympathetic listening with a view to understanding the other person. Its not about giving solutions or sharing your own experiences and thots of the issue, its not about analyzing the problem.

Dialects of Quality Time: Quality Activities
Quality activities may include anything in which one or both of you has an interest. The emphasis is not on what you are doing but why you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away from it feeling, He cares about me; he was willing to do something with me that I enjoy, and he did it with a positive attitude.

5. Physical Touch
Kinds of touches
a) Appropriate and Inappropriate
b) Implicit and Explicit
- Often people communicate their mood by their body language -- how close they are to you, or whether their arms are folded, for example. Observing body language will tell you the appropriate time for touching others.
- Hugs, kisses, back rubs, pats, tender touches, massages and arm wrestling are all appropriate ways to speak the love language of physical touch.

++++++++++++++++++

I did the Five Love Languages Profile.

My primary love language is Quality Time. Followed by Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service, which were tied in the scores.

I think it's quite true. To me, I treasure quality time with the people I love. I get strengthened and encouraged when words of affirmation are spoken to me, and when people go out of their way to do nice things for me. Perhaps that's why I usually get quite upset when a friend is late for an appt, or changes our appt last minute, coz it means the quality time I was so looking forward to is taken away.

However, in reading the book, I also realised that what i lack giving most is "Words of Affirmation", and definitely "Physical touch".

I, however, love giving gifts. Spending time discovering and looking for the perfect gift for friends.

What is YOUR love language? :)