She made a comment that stuck with me. "I didn't know you are so shy!"
yeah. now you know sister.
"But you are not like that one leh! last time when i first came to church, you were very friendly!"
yeh. that's coz it was homeground. I had to be friendly, coz you were the guest. Where got host dao guest one?
Truth be told, shyness has been something I've been trying to work on. Being with a big group of strangers scare me. I can try to smile and look friendly, but really, inside me i'd just be thinking get me outta here!
Perhaps this would explain the many times I've turned down gatherings which friends have invited me to. Even a simple lunch after service with my friend's church friends would require lots of mental pysching up to actually agree. If i'm not mentally prepared, probability of me saying No will be very high.
On a side note: I remember all the fear I have when I was deciding whether to volunteer for sign language carolling last year. I was worried that I wouldn't fit in, that the group would already be very tight-knit coz most of the participants would be from the Sign Lang music and dance group, that I'd embarrass myself, etc. But S told me to go for it. He sent me there and gave me the push to go for it. And truth be told, I never regretted volunteering for it.
However, on familiar grounds, in my comfort zone, being friendly to the "outsider" is something i actually like doing. For example, when a friend brings his/her bf/gf /friend to the group, I like being the one to try to make him/her feel comfortable. But when the tables are turned, once i become the "outsider" to the group, discomfort sets in.
Funny thing is, this usually happens with bigger groups. When I meet strangers on a one-to-one basis, such shyness is significantly reduced. Which kinda explains why I like meeting new people one-to-one, for example, people I meet online. Of coz there'd be this slight fear of uncertainty that would be stirred up within me before the meet-up, but when we finally meet, i'd be pretty comfortable socialising with the other person.
Shy, bashful, diffident imply a manner that shows discomfort or lack of confidence in association with others. Shy implies a constitutional shrinking from contact or close association with others, together with a wish to escape notice
(taken from http://www.dictionary.com/)
I realised that this shyness has displayed itself in different forms growing up. From my tendency to sit at the top-most corner seats in lecture theatres, the right/left most corner seat in classrooms and church services, even choosing aisle seats in cinemas and window seats in aeroplanes, i've been displaying tendency to escape notice from people. I get uncomfortable when people pay too much attention to me, or give excessive comments about my physical appearance or behaviour.
People always tell me that they think i'm very anti-social, dao, aloof , a guy at a camp in uni once called me "ice-princess". haha. But my friends know that it takes time for me to warm up to people. Some people longer than others. But with family and friends I can be crazy and open in sharing my thoughts and feelings.
I read somewhere that in some ways, shyness can also prevent a person from taking advantage of opportunities or trying new things. This probably would be true if not for my value in self-development and my desire to pursue knowledge and skills to enhance my personal growth, that has over time overwritten the fear that would cause such as above. That, as well as my desire to pursue different paths from my friends. Choosing to go to St Nicks from CHIJ Katong Primary when my classmates were all going to Katong Convent. Choosing to go VJC when my classmates were all going to NJC. Choosing modules that totally have no link to my major in geog and socio, (like chinese philosophy) just for interest's sake. All these forced me to "strike out on my own".
I like to think that with age, i'd have acquired better social skills and rid my fear of interacting with new people and facing unfamiliar situations.
Truth be told, I'm very much still just a scaredy cat.
1 comment:
How can u justify that you are shy when you have done soooo many things that are very bold and brave moves.Then again it seems like you are doing sooo many brave things and yet still feel shy or scared... have u looked differently into this? Is it really shyness? Or is it something else... LOVE yourself unconditionally... and things will fall in place.
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